What a weekend it’s been! I sure hope you stayed safe and warm, and that the storm wasn’t too exciting for you.

Things here went pretty smoothly. But I remember back a few summers ago when horrible rainstorms hit the northeast. Trees were down, houses had no power for days, and my mom and I were in the thick of it.

Let me explain.

It was a sunny and steamy August. My mom had to go up to The Land of Cabbage, to dog and chicken sit for my aunt while her family was away on vacation.

My mom had big plans for the week. When she wasn’t frolicking in the cabbage fields or watching birds, she was going to binge watch Law & Order, eat CheezIts, and drink Creativity Juice.

She also had to visit my grandpa a few times and make sure things were going okay for him.

You see, you have to keep on eye on him. He refuses to “give in” to aging. At 85 he was climbing a ladder and inspecting the job the contractors did on his roof. At 90 he dug a three-foot deep, two-foot wide trench along two sides of his house, and then installed french drains.

At 92 he shoveled fifteen cubic yards of dirt into holes on his property. By hand. With a shovel.

He also thinks I’m a “half-dead little mutt” and should be put out of my misery. My mom obviously has her work cut out for her.

On our first day there we dragged our suitcases into the house and prepared to settle in. Within about ten minutes the skies turned black and in an instant there was thunder, lightning, buckets of rain, and winds that put The Wizard of Oz to shame.

The storm raged, trees and wires fell down, and the power went out.

Und my mom’s plans vent kaput.

Oops. Did I just say that?

Next thing you know, we’re stranded. Instead of drowning herself in hours of ripped-from-the-headlines crime tv, my mom cleaned up storm debris and tried to get my grandpa’s electricity back up and running.

And boy, did she spend a LOT of time on the phone. (Don’t worry. She always turns on the speaker, so she doesn’t get brain cancer.) Here’s some of what I overheard:

Highlights of phone call #1:

“Hi Daddy, just checking on you . . . the power’s out, right?”

“Ja, it vent out yesterday.”

“Did you call the electric company?”

“Vy vould I call zem? Zay should know the power is out at my house. Und that there’s a cable on the ground at the bottom of the driveway. Sparking. On both ends.”

“Don’t go anyvere. I mean anywhere.”

“I haff to clean branches off the driveway.”

“Don’t. Go. Anywhere.”

Highlights of my mom talking (yelling) to herself out loud:

“#$%&! Which #$%^&! electric company services The Land of Cabbage? !#$%^& Con Ed. Oh, wait. It’s not them. What the . . .  Why is there no phone number on any webpage for NYSEG? What if there’s an emergency? This outage map is sooooo wrong. And someone got paid to do this website? Kill me now. Finally. A number to call for electric emergencies. Yes, sparking wires across the driveway of a German super-senior citizen who thinks he’s superman is an emergency.”

A few highlights of phone call #2:

“Hi there, this is Rick. How can I help you and what is your emergency?”

“Finally! A real person! Hi Rick, I’d like to report downed wires.”

“Sure. May I ask you some questions first?”

“I’ll try to answer them. But it’s not my driveway and they’re not my wires.”

“What’s the address of the problem and the nearest cross street?

“78 Savoy Street, The Land of Cabbage, 10555. It’s my father’s house. Let me check Google Maps for the nearest cross street.”

“That’s okay ma’am, I can do it.”

“No, it’s open right here on my computer. Wait. It was open . . . It’s gone. Where did it go??? (under breath, ‘lousy computer’)”

“Phone number?”

“His or mine?”

“Are you there?”

“No.”

“His.”

“He won’t answer it if he doesn’t recognize the number calling. It’s a Jitterbug and he doesn’t want to pay extra charges to receive calls that probably won’t include a dinner invitation.”

A few more highlights of phone call #2:

“Okay, great, now you said there’s a wire across the driveway? Or is it on the road?”

“I don’t live there. It’s my father’s house. He’s almost 90, has no power and said the wire was across the driveway and sparking on both ends. But he drove over it anyway because the center was covered in rubber and his tires are rubber.”

“Wow. He’s braver than I am.”

“He’s braver than most people. ‘They Don’t Make Men Like My Daddy Anymore.’ Sounds like a good Loretta Lynn song.”

“Who’s Loretta Lynn?”

“Um, never mind.”

“We’ll put an alert for his property and move him up to the top of the list.”

Highlights of phone call #3:

“Daddy, I called the power company for you and told them about the wire.”

“You mean zay didn’t know? How could zay not know?”

“There are a lot of houses without power and a lot of wires down. And they only have about 1000 trucks on the road. They need help finding the problems.”

“Wires in Germany are underground. No one does anything right in zis country. So when are zay coming?”

“No idea, but they put you at the top of the list because you’re a senior.”

“So my property is number one?”

“It’s a long list. And you’re not the only senior in town. Try 1001.”

“It would be nice if I vas first.”

“Yeah, well, welcome to my world. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll come by tomorrow to help you drag all the trees off the driveway.”

“I already finished. Und the television smells like smoke.”

“Turn it off. And leave the generator off. And don’t go anywhere.”

“Everything is off. Okay, see you tomorrow, I’m going out. I haff to get more gas for the wood chipper.”

“Out? Dad? Dad?”

See what I’m up against here?

I think I’m going to just eat a few biscuits and take a nap until the spring thaw comes.